Even that would take me weeks to summarize for myself, let alone make it comprehensible for everyone else.

It's not as tough as you may think though. If you look at the Advance Caro-Kann (usually reached via 1. e4 c6 2. d4 d5 3. e5):
- Basically, the white pawns are on dark squares, the black pawns on light squares. This makes the white LS bishop and black DS bishop powerful pieces, the other bishops are relatively weak. The central pawnstructure asks the question, can white do something with it or will black break it down first?
- On general principle black will play Bf5 making the bad bishop a decent piece. It is however somewhat vulnerable on f5 after black locks it out of the pawn chain with the inevitable e6. White may seek to kick it around a bit with pawns (which can be good and bad) or trade it off (not recommended to trade off LS bishops but it may work).
If white goes for the pawn push approach (g4, h4 etc), he will weaken himself positionally. This is only justified because black will have to entangle first (the Caro-Kann is quite cramped) before he can prove any weaknesses.
- Typically, f6 isn't an appealing strategy for black. It has a reputation for changing kingside castled positions into kingside swiss cheese when done early (same as in the Adv.French). Instead c5 is the standard Caro-Kann break to get at the pawncenter among other things. Generally c5 signals black's readiness to begin the fight in earnest. White should expect c5 and prevent it and/or make it less effective.
- Black's intentions are on queenside play (again much like the French). With sufficient counterplay and decent positional play, black will get a good endgame; usually due to an ironclad pawnchain.
- White's plans are on the kingside (where both kings will castle), if he has advanced his kingside pawns, he may push them further to roll up the kingside or to use one as a battering ram. White can succeed without pawnrollers using pieces and a well-timed sacrifice, in which case he relies on created tactics that don't come directly out of the opening.

Just grabbing a few concepts here.